Look Upon My Cake, Ye Mighty...

...and despair.

How, you may be wondering, my friends and enemies, did I end up the Ozymandias of cake bakery?

Well, let me tell you.

I had just finished up a particularly strenuous mile-and-a-half swim in honor of the late, great Jack Lalanne and was feeling more than a bit knackered in that pleasantly worked-over way.

"Maybe," I thought to myself, "maybe I can grade papers while cuddled up on a Donkey couch instead of upright at a table."

*beep boop ding*

My phone gave a jingle, breaking my sofa-reverie. It was a text from NatureBoy.

"Yo Megan! Did you say that you're making a cake for this evening's birthday party?"

Um. Did I say that? Oh, shit maybe I did! I was drunk the last time I saw NB so it was a possibility...

"Sure! No problem! I have a great chocolate cake recipe I haven't made in forever!"

I suppose I could have said no, but my foray back into cooking last week had me itchin' to be in the kitchen. Plus I didn't actually have a present for MerMar's birthday so this seemed like a good idea. No sooner had I said yes, then visions of a decadently vegan birthday cake started dancing in my head....

...It will be chocolate....no! It will be several kinds of chocolate!! It will be moist...no! It will be ooey and gooey!! It will be two...no three...no FOUR layers!! And the very gods themselves will look down and tremble before my cake of cakes....

***

So here's the basic chocolate cake recipe that I used, an adaptation from The Vegan Handbook.

"There's Absolutely No Way This Is Vegan," Vegan Chocolate Cake

1 tablespoon of apple cider vinegar

1 cup unsweetened soy milk

1/2 cup soy margarine

1 teaspoon vanilla

3/4 cup water

2 teaspoons Ener-G egg replacer

1 1/2 cup sugar

1 2/3 cup white flour

2/3 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

1 1/2 teaspoon baking soda

1 teaspoon salt

Pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees. Spray two round cake pans (8-9 inches) with Pam or other aerosol oil.

Mix the vinegar and the soy milk and set aside.

Cream together the margarine, sugar, vanilla, water, and egg replacer. Whip with an electric beater until very smooth. Set aside.

Sift together the flour, cocoa, baking soda, and salt.

Add the dry ingredients and the soy milk mixture to the butter mixture in batches, beating until well-combined.

Pour the batter into the greased pans and bake for 25-35 minutes depending on how tempermental your oven is.

While the first two cake rounds were baking, I made the recipe again. This cake would be four layers or I'd know the reason why.

Then, while letting the cakes cool, I made the following frostings.

Ooey Deep Dark Chocolate Frosting

super ooey

1/2 cup vegan shortening

1 stick vegan margarine, softened

3/4 cup dark chocolate powder

1 teaspoon vanilla

3-4 cup powdered sugar

1/4 - 1/2 cup soy milk

With a hand mixer, whisk together the shortening, margarine, and vanilla. Add the dark cocoa powder by 1/4 cups and mix well. Alternate adding the powdered sugar by cups and the soy milk by tablespoons until the frosting reaches desired consistency.

Gooey "Milk" Chocolate Frosting

super gooey

2 sticks vegan margarine, softened

1 teaspoon vanilla

4-6 cups powdered sugar

4-5 tablespoons cocoa powder

2/3ish cup soy milk

(note that the recipe above is doubled because I knew I'd have 4 layers of cake to frost)

With a hand mixer, beat the margarine and vanilla. Alternate adding the cocoa powder, powdered sugar, and milk until desired flavor/consistency is reached.

I let both frostings set up a bit while I took a shower.

Then, standing in my kitchen clad in a bra and matchstick jeans (what all the kings of kings are wearing this season), with a feather in my hair, I began to frost.

And frost.

And frost.

I had a brief moment of clarity wherein I considered the possible folly of stacking all four layers of cake, using only frosting for spackle. However, I ignored this moment, determined to create a glittering tower of a birthday cake, the likes of which MerMar had never seen in all her 26 years.

The top layer began to crack on both the X- and Y-axes as I was frosting the sides, so I quickly scrawled "Happy Birthday" across the cake in pink icing and snapped a picture of the finished product. Truly, I had produced the most epic of birthday cakes.

But the gods looked down upon the majesty that was my triple-chocolate, four-layer cake and were angered - nay, spurned to wrath!

And they smote my cake down upon the counter top. Upon a stack of graded papers. Upon a pile of clean dishes. My cake was well and truly smote.

All was not lost, friends and enemies. I simply loaded up the top layer of cake (now it's own free-standing layer) into an empty cake pan, and carried my two vast and trunkless piles of cake to the birthday party.

Thankfully, three kinds of chocolate in cake form taste delicious no matter how avant-grade, deconstructed, or colossal-wreck-like they may be.

***

And if I'm lucky, many years from now travelers from antique lands will find this recipe, look upon it and see the sneering, wrinkled visage of my might as a cake baker...

...and write a poem about it.