Kitchen Harlotry

Prostitution has always been a pet interest of mine.


Vivian Ward, Fancy, Ophelia in Trading Places; I've written a seminar paper on The French Lieutenant's Woman, one on the archetype of the "fallen woman" in Victorian Literature, one on Mukherjee's Jasmine...hell, I'm Catholic! We get a whore built right into the Easter story! I just find the whole stereotypical "mother-madonna-whore" triptych fascinating.


Especially the whore part.


So how delighted was I to learn that the puttanesca sauce I decided to put my vegan spin on is literally, Italian for 'whore's sauce!?'


Delighted like the only whore in town on payday, that's how much.


But on what to put my slutty sauce?


Open the cupboards and there was the box of strange, off-brand orzo from Odd Lots that had been sitting way in the back of the top shelf since I had bought it with visions of orzo-and-ground-veggie-beef-stuffed green peppers dancing in my head. As with most of the visions I have of foods stuffed into other foods, the peppers never materialized. But the orzo remained. Thus was born one of the best Sunday night meals I've made in months.



One Pot Whore-Zo


1 16 oz box of orzo
4 tablespoon olive oil
1 medium onion, chopped fine
1 heaping tablespoon cheater garlic
3 1/2 cups vegetable broth
1 teaspoon (or more to taste) crushed red pepper
1 can (4 oz-ish) sliced black olives, drained
3 tablespoon capers (not too much brine)
1/2 cup fresh parsley, finely chopped
4 (at least) tomatoes, chopped (optional for topping/garnish)

Heat the olive oil in a large pot. Add the onions and sautee until soft.

Add the uncooked orzo to the onions and stir to coat. You're more or less toasting the orzo, but make sure not to burn it or let it get too stuck to the bottom of the pan. This should take between 5-10 minutes. Halfway through, add the garlic.

When the orzo is toasted add the vegetable broth to the pan and bring to a boil. Let boil for about a minute or so and then reduce heat to a simmer, stirring occasionally. The orzo is going to absorb the broth (like rice) but it's also going to get very creamy because the starch molecules from the pasta are not getting washed off or rinsed away in cooking water. If it seems like all the broth is absorbed but the orzo is still too chewy, just add more broth and cook a few more minutes.

When the orzo is full cooked (it should have a thick, oatmeal-like consistency), add the red pepper flakes and stir. Add the capers and olives and the parsley. Stir to evenly distribute.

Serve topped with the chopped fresh tomatoes (and maybe a grating or two of fresh parmesean if you swing that way). Ecco la buona cucina!

Just don't forget to leave some money on the dresser when you're done.